felled whitebirch solitude

Writing a blog feels anachronistic, and I like it. I’ve become a little more active on social media over the last year, which has been fun in some ways, but also reminded me what I dislike about it. I’ve always been too unwieldy to be comfortable with condensing my thoughts into very neat little posts. Besides, the increasing commodification of everything on big platforms makes me really uncomfortable. That is why I like retreating to the chaos of life offline, and the indulgence of speaking without selling anything.

I have also realised I’m more scared than I thought I was. Isn’t it natural, when there is an unfathomable quantity of hostility in this world? People still say I am too trusting. Mostly it’s not myself I want to protect.

I’ve been writing more over these last 12 months than ever before in my life, and I feel lighter. After finishing my dissertation last July, I must have written about a thousand pages of poetry, prose and other things. Most of it is nonsense, of course, but it’s really kept me sane over this time. And I want to always remember that is why I write - because I need to, because it makes me feel better, more in control, or something. I’ve had some poems and other little pieces published or accepted for publication, which is nice. Of course rejections far outweigh acceptances. A while ago I received feedback on an old novel manuscript I translated from Finnish to English and edited; the agency said they liked the sense of character and the writing on a line-by-line level, but felt it was in-between markets, so it would have to be rendered more suitable to one market or the other if I wanted to sell it. I just don’t think I have the eye for this kind of thing, but I will still keep writing.

I often think it would be better to not even try to publish anything, but I still have the impulse to share my work with others. I’m too extroverted to be a complete hermit. I should probably publish little things on my website more often, but the dilemma is the lack of quality control. Especially when it comes to poetry and prose, there is undeniably this sense of validation that comes from another set of eyes approving of the work before it is laid out in front of others. At the same time, it’s clear that the evaluation of creative work is never objective. I’m wary of impulsively publishing drafts, but getting around to the idea that I could make space for my own work in a more thoughtful way. I’m not going to include anything in this post, but the title of it came from a poem draft I’m currently working on, mostly because I’m really bad at coming up with titles. That’s a problem quite unique to this outdated blogging mode.

I also wish more publications were open to writing that has previously been published on smaller platforms like personal blogs and social media. Most publications like putting out virgin work, and sometimes there can be copyright issues, of course - but in principle, I don’t think the ‘use value’ of a poem is depreciated by sharing it in the process of writing. Sometimes the opposite can be true. Jealousy & possessiveness make me uneasy in love and writing alike.

Besides writing, I have been reading a lot more poetry & prose than I did at uni, and have a renewed understanding of how important one habit is for the other. Some works that have left a particularly strong impression on me this year have been ‘The Passion According to G.H’ by Clarice Lispector, ‘Infernal Desire Machines of Dr. Hoffman’ by Angela Carter, and ‘The Twenty-Ninth Year’ by Hala Alyan. Currently I’m reading ‘Fifty Sounds’ by Polly Barton, a sensory memoir of learning Japanese.

(The photo above was taken in midsummer by George, whose surname I don’t know.)

Outside writing and reading, it has been quite an unquiet spring/summer. I’ve spent a lot of time at protests, which has been the only way to experience the legal high of togetherness, legal for now at least. I’m not going to go into much detail about it here, but protesting will only become more important & impactful the more its legal status is threatened through the PCSC bill. I am very grateful for the little community I’ve found through grassroots activism. It has been a big part of my life since I moved to London & given my political life a sense of purpose outside academia. Perhaps I will get back to academic research at some point, but I’ve really needed this break to connect with myself, other people & the world in a more pragmatic way.