finishing up 2019

I knew I’d end up completely neglecting this blog once my studies started.. but now I feel I just have to write something before the decade runs out on me. On one hand, it’s just numbers on a calendar, but on the other, it’s what we structure our lives around, so it’s hard not to feel a bit sentimental about it.

For the last five years or so, I’ve always looked back on my year and felt like quite a lot has happened. I wonder if there will ever be a year I look back on and think everything has stayed mostly the same. And if yes, how will that feel?

Regardless of external changes in my life, I don’t think I’ve changed as a person that much in recent years, maybe not enough. Sometimes I’m a bit worried about focusing too much on things outside me and becoming stagnant internally. But I guess there’s always a two-way relationship going on with you and the world.

Moving to Oxford was definitely a minor culture shock after living in Glasgow. The only cities in the UK I really knew before are Glasgow and Manchester, and it’s just very different. I like how Oxford is so geared towards studying, and much of it is very beautiful. But it’s much smaller and there’s less stuff going on, except for academic events.

I moved in a couple of weeks before term began, in late September, and had some time to look around with Max, but I still feel quite unfamiliar with the city. I do like living there, but there are lots of things I miss from Glasgow too. To be honest, I still haven’t found a place where I could easily imagine myself living ‘permanently’, except for maybe Tokyo. I think it really depends on the circumstances - any city could be a good place to live if the right things fall into place at the right time. Oxford is very good for me right now.

Before the start of term, me and Max went to London for a day, since it’s only about an hour away. We spent a few hours in the Blake exhibition at Tate Britain and walked around a bit. I’d been to London twice before, when I was 11 and 13 years old, but never as an adult. Geographically, it’s so huge that it would take a very long time to get to ‘know’ it at all. It’s kind of overwhelming. I also feel the centre of London is kind of hostile, like it has a centrifugal force, maybe because it feels so non-residential. I think it would be better to spend time in areas where people actually live, but that’s completely unfamiliar territory to me.

I really like the neighbourhood where I live in Oxford, and the surrounding area. I didn’t manage to get into college housing, and was initially fretting about that, but things really worked out quite well in terms of accommodation. I looked for a place with two other girls from my college in a similar situation, and we were lucky enough to find a spacious flat by the canal in Jericho. The rent is about the same as college accommodation would be. It’s still not cheap by any means - I’m paying about twice as much as I paid for an even nicer flat in Glasgow - but by Oxford standards, it seems to be good value, so I’m happy we found it. My college is only 10 minutes away on foot, or a couple of minutes on bike, and the area is very quiet (and good for running), but still has lots of little shops and cafés etc. so it’s convenient enough.

The canal path leading down to the city centre gets pitch-dark at night, since there are no street lamps, and it’s prone to flooding too - but there’s little light pollution, so the tower of St Barnabas’ church against the starry sky is very pretty on clear nights.

After term began, I didn’t really spend that much time exploring. My world kind of shrunk to accommodate a daily routine. I had a lot of academic work and also accepted some freelance work since living in Oxford is very expensive. So I was often working until very late, and never really took days off. Running was the only hobby I had energy left for (being outside in the fresh air for an hour thankfully works like a reset button), and that also helped me get a better sense of my surroundings. Of course the reason I could work so hard is that I really care about what I’m studying, and I want to devote myself to learning more, but it’s important to have other interests too.

I guess what I’ve learned this year is that setting boundaries between yourself and your work is very important, but also increasingly difficult for me. In the last couple of years, I’ve been able to accomplish most of the external goals I set for myself, but I also feel less free. Being able to study at the postgraduate level feels like such a privilege, and I guess I feel the need to prove myself, mostly to myself. I’m still very unsure about whether or not I’m good enough to keep pursuing the things I’m interested, so I’m pushing myself to find out. But sometimes I think I’m being a bit too harsh, more than I need to be. So I guess my resolution for the next year is to try to have a better work-life balance (which I realise is difficult for everyone). I’ll try to have more fun. At the end of the day, being hyper-critical towards yourself only results in a situation where nothing you do will ever feel like it’s enough, and nobody else cares. It’s completely counter-productive.

This winter holiday, I’ve written some short stories for the first time since September, just staying up til 4am writing something nobody else is ever going to read. Being able to do that for a change feels really good, more carefree. I want to do that kind of thing more often, and also to be more sociable, since I’ve spent too much time working alone this autumn. Thankfully I get along well with my flatmates and the people on my course, I’ve managed to catch up with some old friends who have also started studying in Oxford this autumn, and Max is always there for me (although being long distance means I can’t easily talk to him about little everyday things, and neither of us is very good at calling or Skyping or things like that). But I still feel kind of lonely a lot of the time. Besides not having that many real-life friends, I’m not very good at using social media either. I just don’t know what to share about myself - I don’t think the things I do or my thoughts most days are that funny or interesting or beautiful, but at the same time I wish I could connect with people more. Writing on my website feels a bit different, because it’s not really a social network, although I’m still not very good at deciding what kinds of things to share. But this is something I want to get better at, in general, trying to be more open.

I guess moving around a lot has made me feel like people slipping away is a foregone conclusion, but I don’t think that means I shouldn’t try to forge friendships. It’s a lot more constructive to think that every moment you spend with someone can be meaningful, it’s not really the duration of contact that matters. I’ve had a lot of very brief encounters that have felt very important in hindsight. So I already know this is an attitude problem, but somehow I’ve been shielding myself, not really trying very hard to reach out to people. Another side of it is being afraid that people will disappoint or hurt me, or that I will be the cause of those kinds of feelings myself, but I still think there is a lot more to gain than there is to lose by being with people.

I went to the Magdalen arms market with Emmi, who also studied in Glasgow & was on the GUM editorial board with me; she’s studying history at Oxford now. It’s nice to keep in touch with old friends & people from similar backgrounds sometimes.

Although I realise what I wrote above sounds quite negative, I did actually feel happy and motivated throughout this autumn. While I felt worried that I’m focusing on working too single-mindedly, I did enjoy my daily routine. And although I felt I should have tried harder to make friends, it’s not that I was being a complete hermit. I met new people almost every day, got to gradually know my coursemates better, and so on. 

Besides, there are lots of opportunities to get involved in things in Oxford, so I think if I just make an effort and decide to get more engaged, that won’t be too difficult. It’s not that things seem really hopeless or anything, I’m just looking forward to improving on some things I could have got a better start on during my first term. (Definitely not planning to get involved in the university union depicted below, though, I just went there once to see what the debating society is like.)

After the end of term, I took the bus to Manchester to spend a few days with Max. It felt really good to be back there.

Max is currently living at his parents’, and he’d have to get up around 5AM most days to cycle to work in the city centre. I was just reading in the house while he was at work, or running in the park or the Prestwich clough, or going to town to meet him, looking in the Manchester art gallery or bookshops before he’d get off his shift.

After a few days in Manchester, I headed back to my hometown in Finland. The joys of being from the countryside: my flight landed at 11PM, and I waited for a bus til 3.20AM, finally making it home around 7AM. At least I could spend the next day just taking catnaps and watching figure skating.

Being back home for a while has been nice, although this hasn’t been the most relaxing of winter holidays, because I have been steadily working on some applications (deadlines are in January) and a few other assignments. Now I’m taking a couple of days off for new years’, though. I went on a 23-km run earlier today, and soon I’ll get ready to go to a party hosted by a friend from high school. I’ll try my best to have fun and start the decade off in a promising fashion. I’m hoping the 2020s could be a decade of continuing to work on things that I find interesting and important, but also allowing myself to have more fun and to connect with people more.